Tuesday 25 September 2012

Sometimes.

Sometimes a saccharine shmaltzy sentiment gets stuck in my throat.
It's just too corny, too sickeningly sweet for me to say out loud.
So it dances on my lips and is swallowed as I cringe inside.
Silent.
Sometimes there's an ache in my chest.
It's that too good feeling.
And it feels like it can barely be contained.
It's terrifying.
And I simultaneously want to run away from it and run into it.
No mainly run away from it,
because it's just so overwhelming.
And I can't imagine how you could not want to run away from it too.
Because how could you and I cope with all that,
all that feeling.
I feel like if we even acknowledge it, it'll disintegrate.
And then I'd miss the way you make me afraid of the feeling in my chest.
Sometimes I want to wrap myself around you.
Limpet like.
But the clingyness of it feels ridiculous,
and I have to fight the desire to not need you.
Because it makes me feel weak.
Pathetic.
Sometimes I want to cry because I'm so happy.
But that's probably PMS.
And then I want to cry because I think forward to a day when I won't feel like this.
Pessimist that I am.
Sometimes I wish I could tell you what's in my head, when you catch me watching you from across the room.
But most days it feels too vulnerable and too risky.
And while I try to say it in my own way.
I know one day I'll write you a poem that says it all. 
Sometimes I'm in awe at how brilliant you are, constantly, consistently faultless.
Except you're not, not really.
But I don't seem to care.
And sometimes I'm waiting for a fall.
But I try not to be.
Because what's the point in that.
And even if it comes.
It won't erase my gratitude that I met you.
And that's almost the scariest thing of all.
Sometimes I want to feel less.
I'm even enamoured with the way you walk.
For fuck sake.
And that feels too much.
Sometimes I want to take it all back.
When I ramble on like this, honest and unguarded.
Not that I'm ever that unguarded.
But anyways.
Today I can't seem to keep it in, play it down, pretend that it's not there.
Damn it.
You're the worst thing that ever happened to me.
Sometimes.

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Thursday 12 July 2012

Want.

Want big fuck off angry bruises.
Want the kind of lingering achy pain that makes me doubt my sanity for wanting it in the first place.
Want tears of regret and gratitude and hopelessness.
Want the coldness of him when I feel his energy change.
Sadism pouring off him, silencing me.
Want whimpers and those strangled noises that seem to come from a far off stranger to escape my lips.
Want to cry because its so awful, yet so fucking wonderful I can't do anything but exist.
There, just there.
Want intensity so bright and loud and consuming.
Want to beg for it to end and to know that he'll decide when he's given me enough.
No escape.
No control.
No power.
Want debasement, degradation, defeat.
Want to lose my words, while I struggle to come to terms with what he's done to me.
While I fight the disgust and the shame and the self pity.
Want to just give in.
To revel in his cruelty.
To perform.
To please.
To pander.
Want darkness.
Want desire.
Want fear.
Want to hate him and to love him for what he's done.
For what he's capable of.
Want all the things I cannot share here.
Those secret sordid private thoughts that scare me.
Want the pride I'll feel that he's enjoyed me, my struggle, my sacrifice, my surrender.
Used.
Pathetic.
Dirty.
Broken.

Want.
Just want.

Wednesday 23 May 2012

Subjugation

Sometimes I cling to him.
Needy.
Trying desperately to curl myself into his chest.
Pushing my face into him till I can barely breathe.
But still it's not enough.
I want to be so close that I'm enveloped.
Swallowed up.
Eclipsed.
Till all that exists is him and my service to him.
I need to feel smaller, weaker, insignificant in comparison.
Suddenly so clingy and dependant.
So desperate, almost frantic,
to feel like I am his.
To prove that I am his.
It's all consuming and I want consumtion.
I want to kiss his feet.
But I couldn't push myself enough into the ground
To feel as lowly as I ache to.
I want to suffer and cry and sacrifice,
to show him my resolve.
My determination.
to be defeated and be triumphant, all for him, because of him.
I ache for his fist or his praise.
I ache even more for his disdain.
I ache for every single kindness and every single cruelty he aches to give me.
And I want him so acutely.
His will, his force, his whim.
His presence.
That sometimes I cling to him.
Trying to keep the begging from my lips.
Needy.

Friday 11 May 2012

I don't want to pick up the phone.

I don't want to pick up the phone.

The meduim of text allows the repression of emotion.

And at the moment I couldn't stand for you to hear me cry.

I'd feel pathetic and weak and fragile.

All the feelings I spent so many years trying to run away from.

Trying not to feel.

Which is what got me into this mess in the first place I guess.

Today I suddenly felt so alone.

Back in the place I thought i'd escaped from.

Weary.

Fucking tired of all the years I've spent struggling with this.

The dismay that I'm not as far beyond it as i thought.

Scared.

For a whole bunch of reasons that I can't even type because it feels too close.

And tomorrow, I'll go once more into the breach.

I'll dust myself off and plan and figure out what the fuck I need to do.

How I need to fight this.

I'll remind myself a stumble isn't a fall.

I'll remind myself how long the road to recovery can be.

I'll be filled with that old determination.

Resolve.


And as for tonight I will call.

I'll speak. Perhaps about everything but this.

Maybe I'll cry and feel pathetic and weak and fragile.

But I won't run away from it.

Not anymore.


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Monday 20 February 2012

Bruises.

On reluctant heavy legs I stomped into work this morning.
Cheered only by the feeling of his bruises on my thighs.
By the knowledge of the bright red imprints of his fingers on my flesh,
and the bruises not as yet bloomed with colour.
by the secret hidden bruises of my tender battered cunt.

His bruises were like a shield protecting me from the mundanity of the day.
Reminding me that there is more to this world than that desk and those four walls,
than the stress of that ever looming deadline.
They are a manifestation of a memory: me clinging to him, breathing into his neck as he punched me.
Seeking comfort from that abuse from my abuser.
Showering his chest with kisses of gratitude.
Both before and after he ignored my pleas to stop.

His bruises are my trophy, my shield, my badge, my pride,
His gift to me to make my world brighter.
They are a reminder of what was and what is,
a glimpse of what more might be to come.
They are the burn left by the fire that's inside him,
evidence that his sadism and my masochism collided.
They are proof that I am his,
his to beat,
his to burn,
his to bruise.

Saturday 18 February 2012

Whoever I am...

Whoever I am, I am because you loved me.
And every time I miss you, I am thankful for you.
I was blessed.
And every tear and every ache of loss,
every time it crushes me that you are gone,
every bad memory of your passing,
every year that's emptier because you're not here,
was worth the years that you were.
was worth the love that you gave me.
Was worth the magnificence that was you.
I'd love for you to see me now,
To see how far I've come, to the place you always wanted me to.
To know that I finally understood your advice,
I know you would be proud of me.
I let it go. I understand now.
Thank you for all you tried to teach me.
For all you did teach me.
I'd love to see you now.
But I wouldn't see you for all my tears.
I would thank you so much for all the years.
And we'd laugh and we'd cry and we'd understand each other more and you'd bake and mother me and I'd resent it, like I always did, but I'd be thankful for you and you for me.
Whoever I am, I am because you loved me.
Whoever I am, I am because I loved you.

Wednesday 4 January 2012

2011/2012 (Getting out of debt, gratitude & goals)

I've seen a couple of the recent blogs reviewing 2011/setting resolutions for next year and as usual with most things, I'm late to the party.  I wasn't going to write one because I didn't think I actually had anything to say, I thought that 2011 had ticked along the same as every other year, with nothing new or interesting happening.  I feel most of the time that nothing ever changes, life just plods along year after year.

It wasn't till I was walking to work this morning that I began to reflect on what has happened: things have changed and I have achieved things… whoop!

The biggest change I guess has been my finances:  at the end of 2010 I was in a financial mess, I didn't owe huge amounts, but about 8k in total to 11 different debtors, including 6 (yes 6 payday loans - avoid avoid avoid!). I got to the point where my interest payment due was more than my salary and with no overdraft I knew I had to do something about it.

So I did and f**k me it was a hard slog, which involved having a year of scene and not buying heating for most of last winter, but one by one I paid them off! My god I am not sure if there is a better feeling when your in debt to know you have made your last payment and they can't chase you anymore.  There is still a little to go (about 2k) my lower priority debts of my mum and my catalogue, but I'll have paid my mum off by April and my catalogue by the end of this year.

I think what's been additionally rewarding that I made a plan and I stuck to it, even though at times I really didn't want too.  It made coming back out on the scene and being able to buy myself things and put £20 on my gas for the first time in over a year even more rewarding.

So yay… go me! (lets ignore the fact that I was the one who got myself in the huge mess in the first place ;) though actually lets not, lesson learnt)

I also this year seemed to get happier, that's not to say I wasn't happy before, because I generally am quite a positive and cheery person mostly.  I don't know why, I seem this year to be come more confident at work, more confident in social situations (though I tend to have my anxiety after the event now rather then during), fucking immensely grateful for my friends (I also made a whole new group of awesome friends during 2011 and they seem to quite like me too), at awe (I always have been but even more so) with how fucking beautiful the world is.  I seem to have developed some kind of zen/hippy outlook and when things get tough I remind myself that life really is too short, an echo from my grief of losing my sister in 2008 perhaps.

I'm not the weight I want to be, I hate where I live, I am not owned etc and yet I seemed to have stopped letting that prevent me from enjoying my life and being happy, really happy for what I do have and for the people I know, because when I stop and think about it, it humbles me.

Just those things are huge and there more little things that have happened that would make this blog way too long, silly me thinking my world never changes.  I also learnt things about my submissiveness but perhaps that will be a different blog.

So onwards into 2012...  I wasn't planning to set resolutions, I have never in my entire life stuck to them and decided I wouldn't set myself up to fail.  I changed my mind, in the positive spirit of this post I will be aspirational and give myself something to aim for:

I am going to be kinder… since my late teens I have lived by the quote “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”  I still do… BUT I am my mothers daughter in that I have a harsh and critical streak to me, which I battle against.  I don't know if this year I have become more cynical or have a slightly more bitter edge, or I have just noticed it more in contrast to my more positive and hopeful outlook, but I do notice in myself that I need to let things go quicker, I need to be kinder especially to those who it's hard to.

I am going to be less lazy… and I am lazy.  I work really hard at work, I put in extra time that I don't get paid for, but in other areas of my life I can procrastinate for weeks, months, years on end.  I can procrastinate by daydreaming over what I could achieve if I stopped procrastinating, which is maybe why I feel my life never changes, I have a mental list of all the things I am not doing all the time. So yes I would like to be more positively productive.

I am going to look after myself better… I suppose this has replaced my usual resolution about losing weight, but it is wider than that, its about going to sleep at a reasonable time, about figuring out how to keep my house tidy and presentable so I can have friends round, it's about getting fitter because I was uber fit for a while and I really enjoyed that and most importantly it's about being kind to myself, so that when I do some of the above things I appreciate my success rather than berating myself for slipping up one day, or concentrating on the 5 times I did not do something over the 2 times I did, when the 2 times is an improvement on what was before.  It's being as kind to myself as try to be to others, because you know what I am pretty fucking awesome. (yes I know where all awesome in our own way and I am aware I can also be a little bit of a cunt too - but hey, at least I'm trying)

So that's it, my blog that I wasn't going to write at all because I had nothing say, erm yeah ended up pretty long didn't it, thank you if you took the time to read it all, the fact that you would find any of that interesting is touching.

Happy New Year, I hope that in the coming year you have happiness and beauty.

Be kind xxx