Bruises.

On reluctant heavy legs I stomped into work this morning.
Cheered only by the feeling of his bruises on my thighs.
By the knowledge of the bright red imprints of his fingers on my flesh,
and the bruises not as yet bloomed with colour.
by the secret hidden bruises of my tender battered cunt.

His bruises were like a shield protecting me from the mundanity of the day.
Reminding me that there is more to this world than that desk and those four walls,
than the stress of that ever looming deadline.
They are a manifestation of a memory: me clinging to him, breathing into his neck as he punched me.
Seeking comfort from that abuse from my abuser.
Showering his chest with kisses of gratitude.
Both before and after he ignored my pleas to stop.

His bruises are my trophy, my shield, my badge, my pride,
His gift to me to make my world brighter.
They are a reminder of what was and what is,
a glimpse of what more might be to come.
They are the burn left by the fire that's inside him,
evidence that his sadism and my masochism collided.
They are proof that I am his,
his to beat,
his to burn,
his to bruise.

Whoever I am...

Whoever I am, I am because you loved me.
And every time I miss you, I am thankful for you.
I was blessed.
And every tear and every ache of loss,
every time it crushes me that you are gone,
every bad memory of your passing,
every year that's emptier because you're not here,
was worth the years that you were.
was worth the love that you gave me.
Was worth the magnificence that was you.
I'd love for you to see me now,
To see how far I've come, to the place you always wanted me to.
To know that I finally understood your advice,
I know you would be proud of me.
I let it go. I understand now.
Thank you for all you tried to teach me.
For all you did teach me.
I'd love to see you now.
But I wouldn't see you for all my tears.
I would thank you so much for all the years.
And we'd laugh and we'd cry and we'd understand each other more and you'd bake and mother me and I'd resent it, like I always did, but I'd be thankful for you and you for me.
Whoever I am, I am because you loved me.
Whoever I am, I am because I loved you.