Wednesday 23 May 2012

Subjugation

Sometimes I cling to him.
Needy.
Trying desperately to curl myself into his chest.
Pushing my face into him till I can barely breathe.
But still it's not enough.
I want to be so close that I'm enveloped.
Swallowed up.
Eclipsed.
Till all that exists is him and my service to him.
I need to feel smaller, weaker, insignificant in comparison.
Suddenly so clingy and dependant.
So desperate, almost frantic,
to feel like I am his.
To prove that I am his.
It's all consuming and I want consumtion.
I want to kiss his feet.
But I couldn't push myself enough into the ground
To feel as lowly as I ache to.
I want to suffer and cry and sacrifice,
to show him my resolve.
My determination.
to be defeated and be triumphant, all for him, because of him.
I ache for his fist or his praise.
I ache even more for his disdain.
I ache for every single kindness and every single cruelty he aches to give me.
And I want him so acutely.
His will, his force, his whim.
His presence.
That sometimes I cling to him.
Trying to keep the begging from my lips.
Needy.

Friday 11 May 2012

I don't want to pick up the phone.

I don't want to pick up the phone.

The meduim of text allows the repression of emotion.

And at the moment I couldn't stand for you to hear me cry.

I'd feel pathetic and weak and fragile.

All the feelings I spent so many years trying to run away from.

Trying not to feel.

Which is what got me into this mess in the first place I guess.

Today I suddenly felt so alone.

Back in the place I thought i'd escaped from.

Weary.

Fucking tired of all the years I've spent struggling with this.

The dismay that I'm not as far beyond it as i thought.

Scared.

For a whole bunch of reasons that I can't even type because it feels too close.

And tomorrow, I'll go once more into the breach.

I'll dust myself off and plan and figure out what the fuck I need to do.

How I need to fight this.

I'll remind myself a stumble isn't a fall.

I'll remind myself how long the road to recovery can be.

I'll be filled with that old determination.

Resolve.


And as for tonight I will call.

I'll speak. Perhaps about everything but this.

Maybe I'll cry and feel pathetic and weak and fragile.

But I won't run away from it.

Not anymore.


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