Burn

When hurting me makes him hard, this makes me happy,
and I want to take all he wants to give.
I want to see the fire in his eyes,
and I want to burn for him.

I want to feed the need I feel growing in him.
See his sadism shine while my masochism blooms.
I want to open up, I want to share myself,
and I want to burn for him.

I want him to taste my tears.
To know that I am grateful for that gift.
I want to meet his every dark desire,
and I want to burn for him.

the absence of you

Almost 4am and I should be asleep.
Instead, teary eyed I’m thinking of you.
Someone elses words reminding of the time you made me feel the worst.
Of the time I hated you.
Because of what you could do to me with your disappointment and your absence.
Of how much I wanted you to take it back, just so that I could feel better.
Though I am sure that if you had, I would have known that it wasn’t true.
Still, I wanted to pretend that I hadn’t let you down.
How I resented then, the power you had.
How I longed to be able to make it right.
To be your good girl again.
I miss the fucking awful/wonderful, saddening/comforting head fuckery of it all.
And I miss you.
Seems silly that after all this time I could still feel so strongly,
the absence of you.

In the absence of pain? Chips!

Today I tweeted: "Maybe I should stay in the house and not speak to anyone when I have #pms I think I may go a teeny tiny bit crazy :S"


I walked all the way home thinking about trying to describe how it feels, it's a combination of quietly suppressed rage, anxiety, sulkiness, a hint of sadness, an edge of despair, frustration, irritability, impatience. No wonder they also call it PMT, the T being tension... how could you not be tense with all that going on?! Plus there is also the gnawing horniness, that at least gives some distraction from what could be an all round slump, but only adds to the frustration.

I've felt out of sorts all day, worried I was being short and snappy with colleagues, at the same time as being kinda irritated by them for no good reason. Though perhaps they didn't notice and my guilt at feeling internally mean spirited and moody made me a bit paranoid... Gah!! Fucking hormones.

On my way home I tried to think what would make me feel better... my first thought: Pain
It would wash through me, pushing out the tension, taking away the edginess I feel. There would be nothing in that moment but the pain and then after my body, my mind would feel relaxed, not tied up in knots, not on edge like they do now. *sigh*

However given that I am no option of receiving aforementioned lovely cleansing pain, I opted for chips and curry, nice and stodgy and potatoey and comforting. Yum.

A smack in the mouth would still do wonders though. *sigh*