the absence of you

Almost 4am and I should be asleep.
Instead, teary eyed I’m thinking of you.
Someone elses words reminding of the time you made me feel the worst.
Of the time I hated you.
Because of what you could do to me with your disappointment and your absence.
Of how much I wanted you to take it back, just so that I could feel better.
Though I am sure that if you had, I would have known that it wasn’t true.
Still, I wanted to pretend that I hadn’t let you down.
How I resented then, the power you had.
How I longed to be able to make it right.
To be your good girl again.
I miss the fucking awful/wonderful, saddening/comforting head fuckery of it all.
And I miss you.
Seems silly that after all this time I could still feel so strongly,
the absence of you.