Sunday 10 April 2011

The importance of being earnest.

I am sure I am not the only person in the world who has trouble deciding what they want.  Though in fact, in all honesty I know exactly what I want.  The difficulty lies in finding it.  I am not sure it even exists, not fully formed and complete, the way it is in my head.

I want love, real genuine romantic love, despite me hiding from it mostly.  I would like to feel it again, I would like someone to really know me and for me to really know them, and actually to still think each other is pretty fucking cool.  To smile at the thought of someone, motivated by more than just my cunt.

I want sex, regularly; fucking great sex.  Not just sex though, sex is pretty easy to come by, even good sex isn't that difficult to source really.   I want passion, that feeling when you really want someone so much they make you're stomach flip, they make you daydream of the times when you're together, you masturbate thinking of them.  I want the strength of desire that overwhelms you, that is based in a genuine like and attraction for that person, that is more significant than a passing lust.  I want to feel that kind of passion flowing from another person. Knowing someone wants you like that is one of the best feelings in the world. Though that kind of wanting doesn't stop at sex I suppose, that passion for me manifests in wanting to be hurt by them, wanting to be submit to them, wanting to be owned by them.

I want D/s, and I have always wanted it, and that seems oddest of all.  Wanting love or sex is really pretty standard I'd say, but this need, this drive inside me, that is what I can't explain.  It's like a fire, and it burns so bright and strong that it consumes me.  I want control.  Which seems so at odds with my nature, because I am at my heart a control freak, unable to let go.  Perhaps that's the very thing I seek some peace from.  Though just that doesn't seem to explain the strength of it, how it not only makes me feel settled and content, but that I eroticise it more than anything else.   Restriction and control and the desire to do as someone else wants, my god, that gets me.  That's seduces and entraps me. I think I would say control is my main kink and everything else sits under the umbrella of that, except a small selfish masochistic streak.  It's not just any control though, it's meeting someone who makes you want to behave, who makes you want to be vulnerable and give everything you are to please them. That's rare, or so I have found, even for someone who wants it as much as I, it doesn't come easy and it just isn't there with most people.  Even those who want the exact opposite.

Herein lies the problem, can all that exist, truly exist in one person?  I say one person, because while I have not totally ruled poly out (because I have never really tried it), I generally seek out monogamous relationships and I fantasise about getting all of the above from one person.  All that desire and wanting coming together into a chemistry that is just, well right.   I have been sexually active since I was 19, and I have been practising kink for that long too and I have yet to find all 3 in the one person.

So, that's what I want.  I think my quandary is that it feels like I have to choose; love or great sex or D/s.  At the moment, I am choosing D/s. It nourishes me, it comforts me, and all feels right with the world somehow.  I have a purpose that wasn't their before, and I know that it could feel so right that it would almost feel like it could be enough. I don't ache for the things I am missing so much as I did when I could have them freely.  Yet I know to accept just D/s would be cutting myself off from so much more.  So I know I have to step away from it to pursue what seems impossible, to give it up for a dream.   Its what I need and it's what I deserve.

I know in my heart that I want it all, I just don't think I believe that it really exists.

Saturday 9 April 2011

Fuck I'm horny.

Fuck I’m horny.
I suppose that’s the point of this whole orgasm control lark.
But today, that combined with a peak in my sex drive means I am only a smidgen of self control away from humping the furniture, or so it seems.
In fact I should give myself credit, I have a lot of self control.
Otherwise I’d be cumming now and probably for the rest of the day, until my knees locked up and I’d worn a friction mark into my cunt.
Well it wouldn’t be the first time, would it.
Fuck I’m horny.
Hanging on the precipice of a full on strop.
I feel the tears and frustration behind my eyes.
I feel the indignation in me, that it’s just not fair, and I can feel the desire to stamp my feet and shout building.
I find myself wishing that 20 guy cream pies were safe, I blame the porn.
I find myself wishing I could go and get fucked.
I almost considered asking if I could just find a cock to suck, if it was a vanilla cock, surely that would be ok, wouldn’t it, that would be allowed?
Fuck I’m horny.
I begged to touch, but now I am almost wishing I never had to touch again.
At the same time as wanting to touch more.
I said I wouldn’t beg today, but I did.
I figured it was going to happen sooner or later, so why not today when today it would feel so fucking nice.
And it did, and I was there at the edge, so quick I almost didn’t have time to enjoy the journey.
And I used some pain to ruin it, which I have never had to do before.
I lay there feeling my cunt convulse without me touching myself at all.
Fuck I’m horny.
You’d think that would have taken the edge of my desire, yet it seems to be even worse than before.
This isn’t fair, there I said it, and feel slightly juvenile and silly because I actually want to cry.
But I won’t.
Even as I wrote that tears began to prick my eyes.
But I won’t.
I want to scream too, Hmph!
It’s so annoying that it’s so inevitable that in a little while I’ll be begging again.
Wanting to touch.
I said earlier that I didn’t want to cum, and in a way I don’t, I enjoy the idea of long term denial.
But when I am on the edge, and now, now I want to cum over and over and over and over and over.
Even though if I did I would be disappointed at my weakness.
Fuck I’m horny.
I feel it to the very ends of my toes, to the tips of my fingers.
In my throbbing cunt.
I hate this.
As much as I love this.
And it’s so fucking unfair.
I am not even sure why it’s unfair.
It just feels it.
Aching to fuck,
Aching to suck,
Aching to touch,
Aching, just fucking aching.
Fuck I’m horny.