I've seen a couple of the recent blogs reviewing 2011/setting resolutions for next year and as usual with most things, I'm late to the party. I wasn't going to write one because I didn't think I actually had anything to say, I thought that 2011 had ticked along the same as every other year, with nothing new or interesting happening. I feel most of the time that nothing ever changes, life just plods along year after year.
It wasn't till I was walking to work this morning that I began to reflect on what has happened: things have changed and I have achieved things… whoop!
The biggest change I guess has been my finances: at the end of 2010 I was in a financial mess, I didn't owe huge amounts, but about 8k in total to 11 different debtors, including 6 (yes 6 payday loans - avoid avoid avoid!). I got to the point where my interest payment due was more than my salary and with no overdraft I knew I had to do something about it.
So I did and f**k me it was a hard slog, which involved having a year of scene and not buying heating for most of last winter, but one by one I paid them off! My god I am not sure if there is a better feeling when your in debt to know you have made your last payment and they can't chase you anymore. There is still a little to go (about 2k) my lower priority debts of my mum and my catalogue, but I'll have paid my mum off by April and my catalogue by the end of this year.
I think what's been additionally rewarding that I made a plan and I stuck to it, even though at times I really didn't want too. It made coming back out on the scene and being able to buy myself things and put £20 on my gas for the first time in over a year even more rewarding.
So yay… go me! (lets ignore the fact that I was the one who got myself in the huge mess in the first place ;) though actually lets not, lesson learnt)
I also this year seemed to get happier, that's not to say I wasn't happy before, because I generally am quite a positive and cheery person mostly. I don't know why, I seem this year to be come more confident at work, more confident in social situations (though I tend to have my anxiety after the event now rather then during), fucking immensely grateful for my friends (I also made a whole new group of awesome friends during 2011 and they seem to quite like me too), at awe (I always have been but even more so) with how fucking beautiful the world is. I seem to have developed some kind of zen/hippy outlook and when things get tough I remind myself that life really is too short, an echo from my grief of losing my sister in 2008 perhaps.
I'm not the weight I want to be, I hate where I live, I am not owned etc and yet I seemed to have stopped letting that prevent me from enjoying my life and being happy, really happy for what I do have and for the people I know, because when I stop and think about it, it humbles me.
Just those things are huge and there more little things that have happened that would make this blog way too long, silly me thinking my world never changes. I also learnt things about my submissiveness but perhaps that will be a different blog.
So onwards into 2012... I wasn't planning to set resolutions, I have never in my entire life stuck to them and decided I wouldn't set myself up to fail. I changed my mind, in the positive spirit of this post I will be aspirational and give myself something to aim for:
I am going to be kinder… since my late teens I have lived by the quote “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” I still do… BUT I am my mothers daughter in that I have a harsh and critical streak to me, which I battle against. I don't know if this year I have become more cynical or have a slightly more bitter edge, or I have just noticed it more in contrast to my more positive and hopeful outlook, but I do notice in myself that I need to let things go quicker, I need to be kinder especially to those who it's hard to.
I am going to be less lazy… and I am lazy. I work really hard at work, I put in extra time that I don't get paid for, but in other areas of my life I can procrastinate for weeks, months, years on end. I can procrastinate by daydreaming over what I could achieve if I stopped procrastinating, which is maybe why I feel my life never changes, I have a mental list of all the things I am not doing all the time. So yes I would like to be more positively productive.
I am going to look after myself better… I suppose this has replaced my usual resolution about losing weight, but it is wider than that, its about going to sleep at a reasonable time, about figuring out how to keep my house tidy and presentable so I can have friends round, it's about getting fitter because I was uber fit for a while and I really enjoyed that and most importantly it's about being kind to myself, so that when I do some of the above things I appreciate my success rather than berating myself for slipping up one day, or concentrating on the 5 times I did not do something over the 2 times I did, when the 2 times is an improvement on what was before. It's being as kind to myself as try to be to others, because you know what I am pretty fucking awesome. (yes I know where all awesome in our own way and I am aware I can also be a little bit of a cunt too - but hey, at least I'm trying)
So that's it, my blog that I wasn't going to write at all because I had nothing say, erm yeah ended up pretty long didn't it, thank you if you took the time to read it all, the fact that you would find any of that interesting is touching.
Happy New Year, I hope that in the coming year you have happiness and beauty.
Be kind xxx
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