Sometimes.

Sometimes a saccharine shmaltzy sentiment gets stuck in my throat.
It's just too corny, too sickeningly sweet for me to say out loud.
So it dances on my lips and is swallowed as I cringe inside.
Silent.
Sometimes there's an ache in my chest.
It's that too good feeling.
And it feels like it can barely be contained.
It's terrifying.
And I simultaneously want to run away from it and run into it.
No mainly run away from it,
because it's just so overwhelming.
And I can't imagine how you could not want to run away from it too.
Because how could you and I cope with all that,
all that feeling.
I feel like if we even acknowledge it, it'll disintegrate.
And then I'd miss the way you make me afraid of the feeling in my chest.
Sometimes I want to wrap myself around you.
Limpet like.
But the clingyness of it feels ridiculous,
and I have to fight the desire to not need you.
Because it makes me feel weak.
Pathetic.
Sometimes I want to cry because I'm so happy.
But that's probably PMS.
And then I want to cry because I think forward to a day when I won't feel like this.
Pessimist that I am.
Sometimes I wish I could tell you what's in my head, when you catch me watching you from across the room.
But most days it feels too vulnerable and too risky.
And while I try to say it in my own way.
I know one day I'll write you a poem that says it all. 
Sometimes I'm in awe at how brilliant you are, constantly, consistently faultless.
Except you're not, not really.
But I don't seem to care.
And sometimes I'm waiting for a fall.
But I try not to be.
Because what's the point in that.
And even if it comes.
It won't erase my gratitude that I met you.
And that's almost the scariest thing of all.
Sometimes I want to feel less.
I'm even enamoured with the way you walk.
For fuck sake.
And that feels too much.
Sometimes I want to take it all back.
When I ramble on like this, honest and unguarded.
Not that I'm ever that unguarded.
But anyways.
Today I can't seem to keep it in, play it down, pretend that it's not there.
Damn it.
You're the worst thing that ever happened to me.
Sometimes.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.9