I adored you.

I adore you.

That’s what I wanted to say.

Not that I would if I had been able.

Had I not been tied down and gagged.

That flush of adoration coming as it often does in the face of sadism.

That desire to gush my gratitude seems silly and inappropriate.

So I wouldn’t have told you then, even if I could,

but I want to tell you now,

So that you know that I was grateful.

When you were at your meanest and I was struggling.

The tears and fighting and the anger.

The disappointment in myself for not being stronger.

For not being able to take what you wanted to give, for longer.

The inability to take your mocking,

because I felt you were unfair as I was trying.

Trying to be good for you.

I remember exactly when I thought it.

Screaming, whining into the gag,

crying.

I saw your face, I saw your quiet intent.

Your shining sadism.

And I was awash with adoration,

for the first time.

And it made me want to endure,

the fire that’s inside of you.

It’s fucking beautiful.

I don’t know if you know that,

But I wanted you to know,

That I adored you.

Thank you.