I am sure I am not the only person in the world who has trouble deciding what they want. Though in fact, in all honesty I know exactly what I want. The difficulty lies in finding it. I am not sure it even exists, not fully formed and complete, the way it is in my head.
I want love, real genuine romantic love, despite me hiding from it mostly. I would like to feel it again, I would like someone to really know me and for me to really know them, and actually to still think each other is pretty fucking cool. To smile at the thought of someone, motivated by more than just my cunt.
I want sex, regularly; fucking great sex. Not just sex though, sex is pretty easy to come by, even good sex isn't that difficult to source really. I want passion, that feeling when you really want someone so much they make you're stomach flip, they make you daydream of the times when you're together, you masturbate thinking of them. I want the strength of desire that overwhelms you, that is based in a genuine like and attraction for that person, that is more significant than a passing lust. I want to feel that kind of passion flowing from another person. Knowing someone wants you like that is one of the best feelings in the world. Though that kind of wanting doesn't stop at sex I suppose, that passion for me manifests in wanting to be hurt by them, wanting to be submit to them, wanting to be owned by them.
I want D/s, and I have always wanted it, and that seems oddest of all. Wanting love or sex is really pretty standard I'd say, but this need, this drive inside me, that is what I can't explain. It's like a fire, and it burns so bright and strong that it consumes me. I want control. Which seems so at odds with my nature, because I am at my heart a control freak, unable to let go. Perhaps that's the very thing I seek some peace from. Though just that doesn't seem to explain the strength of it, how it not only makes me feel settled and content, but that I eroticise it more than anything else. Restriction and control and the desire to do as someone else wants, my god, that gets me. That's seduces and entraps me. I think I would say control is my main kink and everything else sits under the umbrella of that, except a small selfish masochistic streak. It's not just any control though, it's meeting someone who makes you want to behave, who makes you want to be vulnerable and give everything you are to please them. That's rare, or so I have found, even for someone who wants it as much as I, it doesn't come easy and it just isn't there with most people. Even those who want the exact opposite.
Herein lies the problem, can all that exist, truly exist in one person? I say one person, because while I have not totally ruled poly out (because I have never really tried it), I generally seek out monogamous relationships and I fantasise about getting all of the above from one person. All that desire and wanting coming together into a chemistry that is just, well right. I have been sexually active since I was 19, and I have been practising kink for that long too and I have yet to find all 3 in the one person.
So, that's what I want. I think my quandary is that it feels like I have to choose; love or great sex or D/s. At the moment, I am choosing D/s. It nourishes me, it comforts me, and all feels right with the world somehow. I have a purpose that wasn't their before, and I know that it could feel so right that it would almost feel like it could be enough. I don't ache for the things I am missing so much as I did when I could have them freely. Yet I know to accept just D/s would be cutting myself off from so much more. So I know I have to step away from it to pursue what seems impossible, to give it up for a dream. Its what I need and it's what I deserve.
I know in my heart that I want it all, I just don't think I believe that it really exists.
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